Thursday, December 22, 2011

freud and the elephant

I had a nightmare that an angry elephant was trapped in the inner rooms of my house.  It was going ape shit, smashing & stomping.  I remember closing the doors running with my kids telling them “We have to get out of here there is a mad elephant trying to kill us!”

I’m not prone to silly nightmares.  I am one of those adults who often wakes thrashing & screaming.  Who in the dark isn’t sure what is real and what isn’t.  Minor flaw, unless you sleep next to me. 
I shrugged off the silly elephant dream and the next night had a dream an angry nursing cougar mom was in my house and the only way to calm her down would be to give her a much needed bath.

No, I haven’t been smoking anything…but I have been doing something not so normal for me.  I have been letting other people’s bad behaviors & negativity affect me.  I stand with my favorite x-sister-in-law “No one has the power to make my day bad.  I am the only one with that power.”

I get cut off in line or on the road I figure they must have a good reason.  Someone openly lies to me or steals from me I thinking there must be a reason why they need to do these things.  My beloved dog was hit & killed (a few mouths back).  And although I agree it is most logical the driver knew and left my dog to die in the street I FEEL the driver must have not known he hit him. 

A few days ago I got pretty viciously nailed in my car by a truck running a red light.  The driver fled.  I was never angry, a little scared, but mostly grateful for the chance to see the kindness of a stranger.  Angry just doesn’t stick to me very well.  Because someone like me can’t afford it.  If I was to let Angry in it would be like that elephant, it would destroy what & who I am.  It would take away what I earned that summer day so long ago when I packed a bag, took my children, & left for higher ground.
When the Boy called this morning with his flight info I told him about my car and how I had almost been driving his.  He told me he wished it had been his car rather than mine because he has full coverage and he knows I don’t.
Well, if that isn’t the elephant in the room I don’t know what is.  I have a return to make.  I have bought something I can’t afford.  Here Mr. Universe is your Anger back, in-store Karma will be just fine.  
Spend enough love each day for a lifetime because you never know what the next day may bring.  You can never go back, only on.  ~mlb

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