Sunday, September 25, 2011

setting myself free

(or getting back OFF the horse)

Okay stick with me. 
I woke up very sick this morning and thinking I don’t have to run anymore. 
I don’t have to be a runner. 

I could change.  
I could just do yoga maybe swim, cut my hair in a little bob and wear ballet flats….no really I could. 
I mean I don’t have to run unless there is like a mountain lion near by or something. 
I don’t have to get dressed every morning by the standard ‘what if I have to climb a fence- will this outfit climb a fence?’
And I don’t have to say to Kristy the Great when she cuts my hair ‘I need to be able to put it in a ponytail so I can run’.
I could shower anytime I wanted without it being in vain. 
I could be the kind of person who walks their dog.
I don’t have to DO anything.
I can just give up and forget bypassing the insulin pathway and get on insulin.
Stop all the PH, sugars, and K+ counting. 
Laying there in bed thinking about this I felt a giant weight come off my shoulders.
I don't have to work this hard.

I could …okay so now some of you are laughing.  But not for the same reason I am.  I’m not laughing because of how ridiculous I would look walking my dog in ballet flats I’m laughing because saying I could stop is the biggest lie I have ever told. 
Honestly, I don’t want to run anymore.
I want to sit and watch other people run by and I want think ‘damn that looks miserable why do people do that to themselves?!’  But I don’t think that.
I think ‘damn that looks miserable why am I not doing that?!’  
So tomorrow I will go running because I woke up thinking I don’t have to run today but I better get my happy ass back out there tomorrow… and I could feel the trail beneath my feet and the sun and the sweat and the wonderful misery of it all. I hate how much I love running but I sure love how much I hate it.    

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