Saturday, February 25, 2012

empty ground

It started innocently enough as a thought: what should I plant in the garden this year?  And my mind jumped to the southeast corner of the garden space to Kilo’s grave.  I couldn’t stop think about him, about his sleek blackness slipping through the gates that morning.  And everything else that followed that day.
His life is hard to believe.  From a stray dog living out of garbage cans to the red sand of Best Friends to us and the green grass, the lakes, & the mountains. 
I’m not really lamenting the loss of dog, more the loss of a million more moments he might have had.
Ginger’s antics fill the day with the most hilarious dog tales.  My original complaint that she didn’t seem to NEED me has vanished, although she is too small.  In so many ways she is the perfect dog for me.  When she pulls on the leash it doesn’t throw out my shoulder, she listens, she follows, she mostly returns, and she doesn’t understand fetch any better than I do.  She is my dog and I love her, buttered dog food, messy kennel, cup thieving, and all. 
What I want is a chance to undo my choices that morning.  I wish I would have known he was dying I would have sat in the back of car and held him until he passed but in my rush to save his life he died alone.
And you may all think I am big jerk for coupling the two but it is also my biggest, maybe the single regret, I have over my sister’s death, that she died alone.  I don’t know why that matters to me so much.  Alone is one of the best states of being a person can have. 

Don’t worry, I’m not wrecking a perfectly good day over things long gone I am simply wondering what to plant on empty ground…

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry that Wendi's death still haunts you but I want you to know that Wendi may have physically died alone but she was never alone. How do I know this, because I know how much you loved her and how much you stuck by her, even when it was really hard to stick by her, and that in her mind and in her heart she knew that you loved her and were her best friend. If you have a best friend you are never alone. If she was aware when she passed, she would have been thinking about you, her sister that she loved.