Sunday, July 3, 2011

red tape, white hair, & blue blood

Warning: Ramblings may appear more political then they really are. I'm not taking a stand on issues I am not qualified to speak about. I am staying within my area of expertise, half-baked ideas that seemed good at one time but in the light of day have more visible holes in them than a chain link fence.  Not political, personal. Now serving stupid...        

“Mom stop you aren’t making any sense. You just said to get your driver’s license you need your birth cert-traf-ic but to get your birth cer-ma-tang you need your driver’s license, I don’t get it?”
“I’ve already had this conversation with your dad.  It used to be you just needed your old driver’s license as an ID, you know the one THEY issued and that was good enough to renew your license.  But your old license is no longer considered a valid form of ID despite the fact that THEY issued it so you need your birth certificate to prove you are who you say you are.”
“But they use your old license as ID to get the birth-whatever thing? How does that make sense?”
“It doesn’t but we are doing it anyway because we have to.  Kid, if things get rough would you vouch for me?”
"Does it involve ice cream?"
"That depends on the level of inquiry."

Round One, The Office of Vital Statistics.

Name, state, county, country, hospital of birth, parents full names and dates of birth, current address, mother’s maiden name. 
Wow, my score a pathetic 6/10.  Is that even passing? I need a tutor for good family relations & basic genealogy.
"Excuse me Miss I left my parent's ages blank being that they are the same age and I don't think it is polite to tell people how old my mother is."
"Well we will see what we can do without it, but honey you left off your mother's maiden name too.  Do you not know that either?"
"Oh I know it. I can't spell it."
"What is it?"
"So you just don't know if it is 'son' or 'sen'?"
"No I don't know any of it.  I have two bachelors degrees but I don't have phonics abilities, whole language only, the words I can spell I have memorized that one never came up seeing that she was already married to my dad when I met her.  Should we call my mom to ask I'm pretty sure she is home?"
"Wait please, we will call your number."
Can I get extra credit if I write 'Mustang' it should count for something that I know the car I was driven home from the hospital in? 

"Mom, you won your birth-whatever!" Beach claps.
"That will be $18 dollars."
Wow, not really a win but somehow I did manage to score a legal copy of my birth cert. As it turns out my mom is 68 but I am still unsure as to the correct spelling of her maiden name.  And I have considerably less 'cents' than I started with. 

Round Two, Off to the DMV.

Birth cert, old license, w-2, voter’s registration, Social Security Card, and me without child but in her place are 200 other people. Yep, that would be about right. 
I picked the worst day to go to the DMV the last work day of the week, the last work day of the week before a long holiday weekend, the last work day of the week before a long holiday weekend on the second to last day of the month, the last work day of the week before a long holiday weekend on the second to last day of the month the day before the Utah’s undocumented driver laws take effect…

“Are you a legal resident of United States?”
Would you please define legal because that license there is a little expired and I’m pretty sure these are my car keys here in my hand, I think one of the dogs is expired too, the cats are unregistered, that skunk sure as hell isn’t legal, but where do you stand on unpaid library fines and student loans, and my plot to make homemade Tequila. Granted right now it is all talk but I have intent.

“Were you born in the United States?”   
Yes Donald, I would refer you to the birth certificate in your hand.  Please be careful with that it cost me 1 hour & $18 and I nearly failed the exam- thought I was going to have to take summer school.
“Sit for you photo. Remove the sunglasses from the top of your head.”
"Look I can guarantee you that having these glasses here is a more accurate image of me and being that I lied about my weight it seems fair they should stay put. Plus they are kind of like a medical alert because the only way these won’t be here on my head is if I let my sugars drop too low & lose them.  So if I get pulled over driving kind of crazy and the cop looks at my ID and sees me ten pounds heavier maybe an inch shorter without the shades as a headband he’d know right away something is up..."

"Glasses off."
"I’m just trying to be helpful to law enforcement- they are our friends."“Take a number and wait over there.” Oh in that room full of plastic chairs and shifty eyes? Great. 
I start humming the tune to Alice's Restaurant- I can't help it.  The guard circles me twice. He's coming back a third time when, “Now serving 110 at station 12.” Oh thank Darwin.

“Papers please.  Look in the box and read me line 5.” She is cheerful; I can fix that.
"Stick my head where?"
"There and read the line." Still sounding nice.
"Which line?"
"The fifth line?"
"The sixth?"
"The fifth." Starting to lose it with me.
"ADFEODCG- what's my score better than the birth cert quiz?"
"You passed."
Is she hissing at me?!
That was easy...

"Yeah but how well did I do? Better than the last guy? Was I maybe the best today?" 
Wow, now she looks pissed.   
"Alright that will be twenty five dollars, here you go, have a nice day.” Fake smile.  
Hum. Wondering what this double 'L' is doing in my middle name and if it cost me extra.  Maybe they didn't have enough info on me to spell my name correctly.  Falsifying records, isn't that a crime?

“Busy today,” I say to the officer holding open the exit door.  "There is even a line to get out of the DMV."
“Yep. All these Undocumented Aliens getting their ID's and Licenses today avoiding the finger printing.”
“Did you say Aliens, sorry, I don’t discuss religion.  I think its rude like just like asking older women their age.”
“No I mean immigrants.” He laughs.
Shit I better get out of here before someone high up figures out the big hole in this bucket, if I have to get another sheet of official paper I'm sure it will include more dates, even harder spelling, more waiting, and higher fees.

"But aren't most of immigrants? I mean didn't we have to migrate to get here...Never mind the kid is right none of this is making any sense. I simply needed to renew my driver's license before I have to drive on the 4th because there is bound to be a check point coming home from the fireworks.  Have a good day Officer, I'm late for tea with the Queen & I simply don't have any more 'cents' to give."

No wonder we celebrate the 4th by blowing things up.
Happy Independence Day, play nicely with fire unlike the law it is not your friend.

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